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So, hanging out at Polycon has been informative. First, I'm losing… - John [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
John

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[Mar. 31st, 2007|08:43 pm]
John
So, hanging out at Polycon has been informative.

First, I'm losing my fear of hanging out with a bunch of semi-strangers, and that's good. At the same time, I'm running into another issue that's a bit frustrating. I don't know how to deal with people as potential friends. I don't know how or when to try to get closer to someone, to pull them aside, ask for their e-mail address/phone number/etc..

It occurred to me that I kind-of consider friendship or romantic interest as being a kind of reward one gets for having passed some kind of test. This is ridiculous, of course; if everyone felt that way, friendships wouldn't develop because both parties would be waiting for the other to decide that they had passed the test. Nevertheless, this is what it feels like at a gut level.

This isn't a big deal, but it's something for me to think about. I'm not sure how this affects how I'm seen by others. If I'm not willing to approach anyone else, how approachable will I look?
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[User Picture]From: iamjw
2007-04-01 12:52 pm (UTC)
I have that exact problem. It's tied up, with me at least, with fear of rejection and all kinds of self-image issues (why would anyone want to be my friend when there are so many much cooler people around?). It's a very big roadblock, and one I'm not sure how to get around. No matter how many people tell me they enjoy my company, getting over that first hurdle is extraordinarily difficult.

I wish you luck in dealing with this. Also, I wish I was one of those people at the con getting to hang out with you.
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[User Picture]From: okoshun
2007-04-01 02:17 pm (UTC)
I don't know how or when to try to get closer to someone, to pull them aside, ask for their e-mail address/phone number/etc..

I like to start with "do you have an LJ?" :)
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[User Picture]From: callahanshappy
2007-04-01 04:55 pm (UTC)
There are supposed to be social cues that guide us into understanding when it is acceptable to ask for more information. I seem to bounce between the extremes of not caring about the interaction with other people or coming on too strong and not knowing when to stop.

On-line can be nice because users have "friend me" buttons and other icons, but it is really doesn't compare to meeting someone in real life and having everything magically click. I also second the notion that it would be fun to finally meet you in real life (I've only been reading you on-line for portions of 15+ years, after all). :-)
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[User Picture]From: kightp
2007-04-01 08:41 pm (UTC)
*nod* I also find it awkward to just up and ask someone "Hey, can I contact you?" So I've developed a sort of "trade goods for the natives" system: Food for the consuite, fiber art to swap for shiny things, and all those photos I take. Among other things, those provide opportunities to say things like "Want a copy of that picture? A Web site where you can buy Tillamook cheese? The pattern for that scarf? Give me your e-mail address and I'll be glad to send it to you." Several of my apc friendships started out that way. Your jerky could serve that function; so could candles, or technical advice, or ...

There also tends to be a lot of LJ friending after these things, and people seem to be perfectly comfortable with that.
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[User Picture]From: ruth_lawrence
2007-04-01 09:32 pm (UTC)
I have that test-passing reward module! Oops. Thanks for naming it :-)

You seem approachable by how you present in txt to me, but I am not at apc, alas.
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[User Picture]From: zanawake
2007-04-05 03:26 am (UTC)
Yeh, it's almost an art, this weighing of risks and taking little leaps...
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