||[Aug. 1st, 2007|05:18 pm]
(Attached to the front of this neatly typed note is a post-it asking the typist to "pretty this up for me, okay?" Alas, the "neat typing" was done on the same paper as the handwritten note. And, against all basic rules of business correspondence, the post-it was included for clarification.)|
Handwritten: Dear moronic spamming asshole:
Typed: Dear Sir:
HW: Since you're too fucking stupid to read a resume, let me make it clear to you. "SQL DBA" does not look a fucking *thing* like "entry level insurance agent", shithead.
Typed: While I appreciate your contact, I do not think I will take you up on your offer.
HW: And what the fuck is up with "you'd like to schedule an interview? Are you stupid enough to think that's going to work with anyone with enough brains to wipe their ass *after* taking a shit?
Typed: I believe that an interview would be counterproductive at this stage of the process.
HW: Fuck off and die, and please, consider that the kindest thing I can possibly say to someone as pathetically stupid as you.
Typed: Nevertheless, may you meet all deserved success in this endeavor!
HW: You're going to burn in hell, you know. Sincerely...
Typed: You have my warmest regards. Sincerely...
Heh. Can you count it as a contact for unemployment documentation purposes?
It's stupid, but that's the way recruiting works these days.
Amusingly enough, this is exactly what I was counseling sailorjim
to do if he got desperate enough. It's dumb, it's useless, it's a waste of people's time... but if it's what the system demands...?
*puts on Sadistic Little Ms Manners hat*
Thank you ever so kindly for your prompt and sincere reply. To respond to your concern, yes, I am aware that "SQL DBA" does not look a fucking *thing* like "entry level insurance agent" and that I may be vastly overqualified for the position in question. In fact, I have no interest in the position in question, I was merely wasting my time and yours; an act forced upon my by our government, in their infinite wisdom, in order for me to collect unemployment benefits.
I do hope you will forgive me for not responding specifically to the many other interesting points raised in your letter; but I'm sure a busy mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger such as yourself doesn't have time for casual correspondence such as this. However, the piece of paper may be of use to you, as it did not escape my notice that your office seems to be in short supply.
In closing, thank you again for your thoughtful and personal reply. Please pass along my thanks to your delightful assistant for their insightful additional (and may I say humorous) comments. I leave you to the important business of contemplating insurance and the proper timing of ass-wiping.
I'll see you in Hell,
Ms Snarky Wench
Personal Secretary for Mr. J P SmarterThanYou