||[Jun. 1st, 2014|08:35 pm]
This is a shamanic journey I'm saving for myself. I was told to journey on "what do I want the fates/Norns to weave into my tapestry".|
The journey started with a tiny figure - me - traveling to the world tree (which is how I start my journeys unless there's a reason to do otherwise). I realized it was so tiny because I was so distant - and I am, I'm a bit fatigued today, but it wasn't bad. But I did force myself to focus, and feel my journey. I dive into a river that hits a bend, where I naturally come ashore; I run down a path that leads into a dense forest, which opens into a clearing with the largest tree imaginable - the world tree. It is all things and all seasons at once - I always orient myself on the correct season before continuing.
I then called out to the spirit world asking for help - who would guide me to help find what I wanted for my fate? Raven (one of my primary spirit guides) answered. Snake, another of my guides, was conspicuously absent... but I sensed he would come if asked (or "summoned" - summoned feels like a better word).
I asked Raven where we should go, and he gestured upward - not to the upper world, but into the air. I didn't need to travel to the upper world, lower world, or any strange place in the middle world - I just needed to fly. I realized after a few minutes that this is something I wanted in my life - something I yearned for. Flight.
I want to be able to run, easily, over a pretty long distance. That may never happen. But I want some kind of "flight" some kind of glorious (albeit effortful) movement. Maybe it won't be physical - but I want something akin to it.
I then saw we were coming up to a city scape, and I didn't need long to recognize the message here. I wanted people - more than that, I wanted ease with people, and to be able to lead in my own way (which can look very much like "mingling". I wanted to be with people, and around them, and able to be someone useful, teaching or leading, but as a participant, not as the man in front.
And we flew again, and found a great sphere, and had to fly down a twisted meandering path into it's great, dark center. Ah, yes, I want to understand secrets - the depths the cores of things - I started imagining myself basking in the great power at a planetary core... and I realized there was no power here.
There was blackness and rot. There was a spiritual abscess that needed to drain. Well - I could see how that could be done. It wasn't that the path we flew was actually twisted - it was meant to be straight. So I flew down it again, untangling it and straightening it until it was a narrow channel from inside to outside - and saw that it would now drain of the internal rot.
I sensed that I didn't have the power to accelerate it, or to *fix* it really - I could only set the course for healing. The draining, and healing, had to happen on their own.
I realized I had my answers, and withdrew from the spirit world.
Now, I'm pondering the last part. Because obviously, who wants to "just" lance the abscess and then let it drain and maybe heal? Wouldn't it be better to do more shaping and healing and energizing? Except - that's always been what I felt my job was, especially in spirit work. And so I suppose I was taking my understanding of what I *can* do, and acknowledging that, yes, I want to do this - I want to do what I can. Even if this is disappointing (and it felt disappointing, in the journey), I want this more than I want its lack.