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John

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Recent spiritual discussion [Nov. 13th, 2014|10:17 pm]
John
Last month, at my shamanic circle, I had one of the first spiritual challenges sent to me in a long time. Most of the time, well, just living life is challenge enough. And if you don't understand that, you don't understand the nature of mental fatigue.

But I had asked a friend to journey on whether I was following the right path for healing and he pointed out that there was a third path I needed to walk upon, an old injury.

I don't remember the actual wording - that's the nature of a good spirit message, is, the wording doesn't actually matter.

(Well - not to me. To some people the precise wording might actually be very important. But to me, words are how I sculpt ideas and a different wording doesn't matter as much, so long as it displays the right portion of the idea properly. Spirit messages come to you in the language you understand, and for me, the ideas are what matter.)

The question was asked whether or not I love myself. Which is stupid, isn't it? I've learned to overcome a great deal of self-criticism. I was bullied, and rejected, and lonely, and I'm flat out weird so I've frequently been misunderstood and I've lost many friendships and relationships due to weirdness, and I've come to accept those things as part of life - sad parts, but real parts. I had the wonderful experience of a manager *so* bad that I had to learn to believe in myself, because I realized I could be wrong, but I'm incapable of being *that* wrong. So, yeah, I love myself.

Except... except.

See, I'm *tired* so frequently. I have so little mental energy.

And so much of life is being there. And I'm so rarely *there*. Not because I'm not willing to be but because, damn it, y'all don't realize how much *energy* a person expends just being there.

That, coupled with the number of times when I've lost friendships or had relationships end... I don't believe anyone's going to stay, that it's all a matter of time. And in a real sense, that is a lack of love for self.

If I really felt I was lovable, I'd probably believe some people would stay, would continue to love me... I wouldn't be so ready to accept that things will end when I stop being fun or useful.

So there's that. I need to learn about that. Because even if my neurologist finds something, the odds are still high that I'll have some serious limits that I need to accept, that I can't let have me thinking they make me "just as worthless as I am now."
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: iamjw
2014-11-14 12:28 pm (UTC)
I wouldn't be so ready to accept that things will end when I stop being fun or useful.

Wow, did that resonate with me this morning. Something to think about for sure.
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[User Picture]From: ljgeoff
2014-11-14 02:44 pm (UTC)
If I really felt I was lovable, I'd probably believe some people would stay, would continue to love me... I wouldn't be so ready to accept that things will end when I stop being fun or useful.

It feels to me that this is the crux of it, or perhaps I'm transferring, because I've been going though a bit of this, too. What I'm thinking right now is that things don't have to end, but everything is always changing. Bleh on change.

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