|On the one hand, *validate*. On the other, maintain perspective.
||[Feb. 19th, 2016|09:46 am]
So, Tuesday - 40 minute workout, followed by a second. Wow. That was fun, and cool, and I got to watch 80 minutes of TV (well, Netflix, DVDs, etc.), without having even a hint of a reason to feel guilty. |
I've been jogging between buildings, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, buying some sweets for pre-exercise munching... hell, if I'd wanted to, I could have had a pancake breakfast and hiked back home.
And today... I have to remind myself to rein it in. No more exercising.
Well... some history.
Tuesday, 80 minutes of work triggered my symptoms - frequent palpitations, clumsiness, my brain was... well, impaired *for me*.
Wednesday, I did a more-intense workout -nothing that left me panting mind you, but one I knew was going to push my heart rate up. Thursday, I hit my "reactive only" state. I could imagine writing up a blog post or a short story, but it wouldn't happen. Ask me a question? I'll answer it. Show me a problem to solve? I'll solve it but with a lot more brute-force than normal.
So, I rested yesterday. Today, I feel a bit better. But I'm intensely aware that if I went for a good, brisk walk to clear my head which is feeling a bit foggy, I'd feel worse tomorrow. So I can't.
And you know something? That sucks. Yeah, you could mock it a bit. "Oooh, poor boy can't run a marathon. You know who else can't? Paraplegics. A lot of amputees. Quadriplegics. Folks with severe RA. Folks with actual CFS and fibromyalgia. You could have it a lot worse!"
You could mock it a bit, and it wouldn't be wrong, if I was being continuously melodramatic about it.
But it's important to validate it. It's important to admit it sucks. It's important to accept that there's some mourning associated with this loss. It's okay to moan a bit that my feet hurt, because I have no shoes... so long as I'm willing to volunteer to do a bit of fetching for the guy who has no feet.
It's important to validate my feelings and my losses. And yes, it's also important to maintain perspective. It could be far, far worse.
It could be worse, and I'm glad it isn't.
But, yeah, it's important to stop and go "This sucks!" from time to time. And someone elses bad or worse situation doesn't make yours invalid.
Nod. It hit me worst on Friday when I was feeling better than on Thursday and I wanted to exercise and realized I shouldn't. And I have to remember it's no cause for despair or misery, but it's a cause for mourning.
It's utterly pointless to play the game of "my misery is more miserable than your misery, so nyerrh!" Everybody has a right to complain about their woes, within limits. Dark, twisted humor is a good coping mechanism (frex, my wearing a "Warning! Radiation!" t-shirt to my radiation treatments for cancer).
Did the cardiac monitor produce any useful information?
I'm still wearing the monitor - it lasted through Saturday, so there's no point in mailing it before Monday. And I figure that some lazy time will help - maybe my cardiologist will see that "okay, I see the same pattern in your resting heartbeat - and I'd have ignored it if I hadn't see how bad it gets when you're having your worst symptoms."
Once I mail it, it'll take five days for them to process it. And then, it might take a few days for a doctor to get to it. Face it - anyone with a recent heart attack has tests that need evaluation far more than mine.
I have to say I'm going to have some anxiety until I hear that he saw something. I'm so used to every test showing nothing! (After having some pretty clear palpitations on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm pretty sure there's something to see - but even then, I'm 3/4ths convinced he'll say "but this doesn't cause fatigue!")
Anyway: meaningful information will take time. But the clock will be started soon.
I may not be terribly active online for a day or two, but I will be reading everything my friends post. Anyway, I fervently hope the monitor produces some meaningful information - once they know what the problem is, they can figure out how to FIX it!