||[Aug. 19th, 2003|11:39 pm]
Well, just a few minutes ago, I completed a short story for the first time and I don't know how many months (for that matter, how many years!).|
It's been very strange, because working on this story has, in a way, scared the blazes out of me. I really don't understand why, but I think that it was a little bit more than the standard "blank page syndrome".
I guess part of it is that in order to write well, a person has to open up their sensitivity to emotions, and, well, my sensitivities can already be pretty high. But I think that part of it was also a bit of fear about opening up the well, because once you've opened the well, you've got to draw water from it. Okay, that's probably ridiculous and trite, but that is kind of how it felt. Now that I have written a story (and, in fact, an important story), I don't really have a reason not to start writing again.
It's not just the sensitivities; there are a lot of problems with writing. It's a frustrating, and sometimes frightening, way to pass the time. But I think that what's really bothering me this time is that I'm afraid it that maybe I'm not yet ready to write the way I want to.
A lot of the ideas that I have that I want to write about are things that I've had running around in my head for several years, but that I haven't felt able to express in the way they deserve to be expressed. Now, I'm starting to think that I have the ability to express them, and I guess that I'm afraid of being wrong.
Sometimes, trying to rewrite a story is kind of like trying to re-birth a child. It's already there, it's already done, and while you might find something similar, you won't ever see the same thing again.
Of course, on the other hand, if you use birth control before a child is conceived, and there will be a child... and if you don't get an idea down when it's ready to be fertilized and grown, you could conceivably lose the idea forever.
It's not that the idea would be gone; it's just that it wouldn't have the energy that an idea and needs to have in order to be written about. This might be something that you need to be a writer to understand, or, perhaps you need to be a certain kind of writer to understand.
Sigh. Anyway, if anyone would like to read a copy of this story (it's kind of a weird one, and it's clearly the beginning of something larger) that me know, either here, or in private e-mail, and I will likely send you a copy. I hope that this is possibly salable, so please remember that if you get a copy of it, you can't distribute it in any way that could be considered "publishing". That includes putting it on the Web, or anything else that would that be viewed publicly.
Anyway, now it's time for a nightcap, and then some sleep... tomorrow I can see about editing this, and deciding if it's ready to be sent to whichever buyer I can find in The Writer's Market.