||[Sep. 10th, 2004|12:26 pm]
Yesterday, I had a strange moment.|
There are times when the only truth you can believe is one that flies in the face of what a person wants. If Bush were to say "Okay, yes, I exaggerated how dangerous Saddam Hussein was to the US, because he's an evil bastard who killed my father, and would have taken over more land in the middle east if he could have, which would have endangered our oil supply; *NO*, he wasn't a huge danger to the US, but he was still an evil person who deserved to be taken down, okay?" then you could believe it, for the most part. It certainly wouldn't be the self-serving statements that he's made in the past (even if they are true (or if he believes them to be true), they are still self-serving).
And I realized that, in a sense, deciding that I wasn't ready to go through my dedication ceremony was the only 'trusted wisdom' that existed here.
It's easy for me to be arrogant, and unthinking, and overconfident. I mean, I'm *good* at a lot of the things I do. I could easily use this as an excuse to stagnate, rather than as a launching pad.
I realized, though, that it was silly to worry about that, to ask that question of myself over and over.
I simply willed an answer, calling upon the spirit of the Raven to provide me with vision. And, within hours, I had my certainty once again.
I don't think I needed to work quite so hard on it... I realized I had most of my answer when I came back from the funeral.
I was exhausted and fighting depression. And I knew that I could lose that fight... but I also knew that what I'd told my brother was true. I'd only be a witch when I was shaping myself and the world around me.
I could be beaten by depression... but I couldn't *let* it beat me. I had to bring out every weapon in my arsenal to fight it... or I was ignoring the calling that I felt within me.
If I decided I couldn't fight any longer, I'd have to consciously choose to marshal my strength for another assault, all in good time. I couldn't just give up, without a conscious decision to continue at a later time. Because, you see, healing is in my heart and my spirit, and I will never be the healer I want to be until I've healed myself as far as I can.
So, it would be okay to *LOSE*... but not okay to surrender.
And I didn't surrender, and I didn't lose.
Tomorrow, I will be dedicating myself to the battle for the human spirit; to fight back despair, to heal the injured, to protect those who need protection, and to evoke love and joy when I am able.
And I won't even care that I left behind something so incredibly corny in my livejournal.
I shall call out to the Bear for Strength, the Raven for vision, the Red Wolf for compassion and friendship, and the Dolphin for joy. I shall call out to Kokopelli, to remind me to dance, even when burdened, and to remember the importance of gifts of all sorts - a reminder, as well, that gifts can be burdens, for both the giver and the recipient. I shall call out to Athena for wisdom and for the strength to protect myself and others.
And the universe shall call me back by name... Crazyman Lunagift.