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I have, for reasons I can't quite discern, been having fits of… - John [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Apr. 26th, 2007|09:04 pm]
I have, for reasons I can't quite discern, been having fits of depression the past couple weeks. "Fits" is a good word for it. Just spontaneous "realizations" that no one really loves me, everything I've said or done today is wrong and hurtful, and life isn't really going to get any better.

One thing it's done is it's helped me understand mindfulness a bit better. If and when I can step away from this, and think about "Okay, so, right now, I'm experiencing what it feels like to have the irrational belief that no one cares about me, and that I'm stupid and clumsily hurtful" it helps. It doesn't help in the sense of making it all go away, but it really does help me think about it as something that is wrong, and will pass, like a cold, rather than as something that is real and meaningful.

It's a matter of realizing that I am not my brain, my mind, my emotional state, and my body all globbed together. I can *feel* depressed, without being depressed. The depression is not me; it's something affecting me.

Now that I've exercised, and tried to meditate, and tried to do some positive writing that shows off how much I'm learning and what a great therapist or researcher I might be someday, I'm going back to an old fashioned depression treatment: buttered popcorn.

(I have popcorn mojo. I can even make JiffyPop without burning it. Don't you dare try to convince me that it doesn't take some kind of magic to do that!)

[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2007-04-27 04:15 am (UTC)
Hah! See! No one's replied yet! I knew y'all didn't love me!

(Sorry. Just kidding. I typed this in the minute my post was up. But it's an accurate reflection of my mood.)
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2007-04-27 04:17 am (UTC)
Oh, and just in case I need to point it out: but this doesn't mean that my mood is really troubling me. It just means that I'm aware of it, and, well, that's the kind of mood it is. And I also noticed that, out of habit, as soon as I posted this, I checked e-mail, and asked myself if that meant I was upset that no one had responded yet... which prompted the first response :-).
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[User Picture]From: hobbitbabe
2007-04-27 04:18 am (UTC)
I did not think it was possible to make Jiffy Pop without burning it! Jiffy Pop has such a distinctive smell, very Proustian evocative.
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[User Picture]From: phinnia
2007-04-27 04:35 am (UTC)
You've said quite a few things that have helped me in the past few months, if that helps at all. :-)
mmmm, popcorn. Ovaltine is also an excellent old fashioned depression treatment.
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[User Picture]From: suzanne
2007-04-27 06:01 am (UTC)


I. Just /had/ this conversation with my therapist tonight. Seriously. Cognitive Behavioral therapy is my friend, and stepping back from angst and panic to analyze where it is coming from is very helpful, though slow for me to learn.

This week everything has been my fault. Even things that aren't actually problems have been my fault and proof that I'm a wretched person. Knowing where it's coming from helps me a lot, but doesn't actually change the instincts.

Thanks for posting this.

Now I /really/ want popcorn.

Hmm. What's my special talent? I talk in my sleep, and apparently I'm very amusing when I'm talking in my sleep.
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From: kightp
2007-04-27 06:36 am (UTC)
As a, um, not-disinterested observer, may I just mention that it's been really, really good watching you develop (for lack of a better term) these coping skills? It's as if you're peeling away layers and getting to the core.

And somebody does, too, love you. So there.
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From: kightp
2007-04-27 06:37 am (UTC)
P.S. Damn you. Now I can't stop thinking of popcorn, and it's already past my bedtime.
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[User Picture]From: glinda_w
2007-04-27 06:43 am (UTC)
Just spontaneous "realizations" that no one really loves me, everything I've said or done today is wrong and hurtful, and life isn't really going to get any better.

*hugs* Not true, not true, not true. All three things.

(Hey, if my life could, and did, get better... *wry*)

You're a good friend; my life and world would be a poorer place without you, and your insights, in it.
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[User Picture]From: ljgeoff
2007-04-27 11:46 am (UTC)
Only one question: gas or electric stove?
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2007-05-28 07:33 pm (UTC)
(So, a month later): I've managed to make it on both. But the gas stove was the earlier type, where you could dial back the heat to a lower level than you can now.

Electric is harder, because you need to leave it on the burner to get the heat, but you need to shake it to keep the kernels moving. But if you keep it moving, it usually gets popped without burning.
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[User Picture]From: lblanchard
2007-04-27 01:58 pm (UTC)
As you know, various family health issues have me feeling fairly downcast these days, but your identification of depression as "not me; it's something affecting me" is a good one.

Mmmm, popcorn. Probably better than my treatment of choice, which is cheap shredded cheddar melted over just about anything.
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[User Picture]From: erin_c_1978
2007-04-27 02:44 pm (UTC)
It sounds like you have an impressively good handle on things. I home to at some point have that degree of distance from my depression and anxiety -- to get to the point where I don't feel like it's eating me.
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[User Picture]From: zanawake
2007-04-29 12:19 am (UTC)
Best wishes for a fully restorative course of popcorn treatment.
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