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Couldn't think of an original entry.... [Oct. 12th, 2007|09:25 pm]
But I got some questions from irismoonlight:

1. What's your idea of a perfect evening?

Well, that depends on context. My favorite evening ever was watching ladysprite get married, hanging with some of my best loved friends on a joyous occasion, but I think it's cheating to think of joyous occasions in this context :-).

Hanging with friends, people I know well and really trust, and talking a lot about a lot of things would definitely be part of it. Why we're hanging out - party, activity, or "just because" doesn't matter as much. Add in some fine food and drink, and have it end in the arms of kightp would make it perfect.

2. How do you cope with disappointment?

Mostly I've gotten to a kind-of state where I'm less concerned about the disappointment, and more concerned about "so, what next?" which works up until you get to the "so this is it, we're going to die!" level of disappointments. I also have the advantage that feeling down about a disappointment can be swept up in feeling cruddy because of depression, so the disappointment doesn't hurt that much comparatively :-).

I used to have a lot more people-disappointments, where someone doesn't like me the way I wish they did, or whatever, but I've kind-of gotten past those. I've internalized the idea that some people just aren't meant to be together, or even if they are, circumstances aren't (or weren't, or whatever) right. It sucks, but either a) you know how to change it, or b) you don't, meaning it probably can't be changed by you at this time. So, b) just calls for waiting.

3. Who do you admire/look up to/want to emulate?

Well, there's a shaman by the name of March Rogers who I admire... I think of him as a practical, down to earth healer, which is funny because, you know, shaman...

And Dr. Stephen Hayes, the founder of Acceptance and Commitment therapy. He seems to understand some of the important precepts of Buddhism, and making it both accessible and scientifically sound.

4. What makes you feel connected to others?

I think I feel connected to others if and when I start knowing their problems, or their pains... before that, I might like them or admire them, but I might not feel I really *know* them. I have a very hard time feeling that folks are connected to me, though... I have a tough time having confidence in relationships.

5. Other than medication, what is most useful to you in controlling

I think the biggest thing that helps me is acceptance. A few years back I realized that I have a disability, just like someone with a bum leg or poor hearing or eyesight. I stopped thinking of it as something that would go away, forever, once I did whatever I needed to do right (found the right drug or drug combination, figured out how to live just right, whatever). That helped, but later I learned the concept of acceptance.

It means not being ashamed of it, or angry about it, not trying to push it away because it's just awful and horrible. It *is* awful and horrible, but it's also real, it's not going to just go away because I push it away. If it did, it wouldn't be the problem I know it is. It's helped because I can direct my energies at doing whatever I want to do that needs to get done, rather than fighting a direct battle with the depression itself.

Fighting an indirect battle (good food, exercise, rest, meditation) is okay, but trying to will it away doesn't work.

The biggest thing is that it's now easier for me to recognize what's depression talking, and what seems reasonably accurate, even if I wasn't depressed. (e.g., the difference between "what's the use, there's no point, I can't do anything" and "No, I really *can't* do that. Literally. I might as well try to fly by flapping my arms.")