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Vigil checklist... - John [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Vigil checklist... [Dec. 22nd, 2011|07:23 pm]
Technically, last night was the longest night of the year, but
1) the solstice came at 5:30am, and
2) the difference in night length is < 1 second.
(Okay, and 3) - I have Friday off)

So I'm going to try to stand vigil tonight. I'm tired, and a bit achy (possibly from a DPT shot) but I have to give it a try.

I'm going to bake some bread to keep myself a bit occupied, and since I'm working 2-11, I can't get my traditional Papa Murphy's pizza, so I'm going to try making a sourdough pizza crust (probably goosed with some regular yeast.) I *think* I know what texture I want for it, and I'm now able to make bread mostly by texture, so it'll be a good test.

Once I get home, first, turn on the espresso machine (I don't do espresso very often, but I happen to have some freshly roasted beans because of the party I attended last weekend).

Then, start a pot of mate. Yerba mate has become an interesting drink for me. I started trying out the bags, and they had a grassy taste... but I realized that, damn, I drank that entire cup, and was willing to drink more. So, whatever combination of happy drugs are in mate, I must get on well with it.

I bought plain loose mate, and it's much better - not at all grassy. So, I'll make up a quart and keep it warm through the night (or until I'm ready to make more).

I want to start stewing some kale with sausages. Stewed greens with onion and garlic (and maybe some meat, in small quantities) have become a kind of comfort/power food for me.

Once the kale is cooking, I want to start the pizza crust and set it to rise.
Then, start the bread.

And then... try to keep busy. Keeping an all-night vigil when tired means keeping one's brain occupied. You can get away with using it as an excuse to watch movies and play computer games if you're fresh, but I've been tired and miserable for a while now.

Miserable - I've been using that word a lot. It's true, but it's also a bit different this time.

Although I didn't *quite* figure out that I was starting to become miserable, I did notice more of the signs and symptoms, and notice the actions I had to take a bit earlier this time. And, while I'm being stoic, and perfectly willing not to whine about it, I'm also not denying it. There's plenty of "I'm miserable and I hate how things are going right now," but there's also "... so what can I do to make things better?"

There's also a sense that I need to clamp down on internal whining in a certain way. "Yes, I'm miserable. Let's not deny that. But, don't "we" all agree, here in my head, that if we keep listing the reasons we're miserable, it won't help and will make us feel worse and more trapped? So, let's not do that. No bright-happy-sunshiny playacting - but let's not get trapped in a despair-spiral either.")

I'm tired - I haven't been sleeping *well*, though I've been sleeping *enough*. And I'm miserable. But no matter how bad I'm feeling, I should typically be able to handle staying up an extra 4-6 hours, by keeping busy. And I should be able to figure out how to do that without letting my brain slip away until I can't wake myself up and have to go to bed in defeat.

(Going to bed isn't necessarily a defeat, if it's a conscious, wise choice. But doing it because I can't just keep myself occupied and deal with a few of life's slings and arrows *is* a defeat, one I have to learn from.)

[User Picture]From: laurarey
2011-12-24 02:53 pm (UTC)
I just wanted to take a moment to send you lots of good thoughts and energy. I always enjoy reading your journal postings, and wish you (and Pat!) lived closer because I think I would really enjoy getting to know both of you better.

I hope this next year brings you lots of happiness and joy.

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[User Picture]From: elainegrey
2011-12-24 04:13 pm (UTC)
I hope your vigil was rewarding, and that the cycle of the year turns so you see a way from miserable to movement.
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