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John

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Feeling somewhat better... [May. 27th, 2014|10:02 pm]
John
I was doing some dating stuff on Saturday, and I was at about 50% today - but for me, 50% is pretty damn awesome, found some hideous latch contention in some poor guy's server, and he wanted to know why parallelism was making the problem worse - well, the latches he sees are all about parallelism. So, I probably get to knock this out of the park tomorrow.

I'm getting to the point where I can see when I'll get some good days, and next to being able to avoid the bad days, that's about the best I can do.

And in other news, my eternal hip problems feel more and more like they're resolving, slowly, as muscles that have been too-tight for 20 years are wont to do. Actually, resolving-slowly isn't want too-tight muscles are wont to do - I should recognize that I'm damn lucky I haven't ripped up my cartilage or twisted any bones or anything. But - it is resolving slowly, and while it's painfully slow (in both senses of the word) that's normal and expected.

And I'm trying on something.

If I had a bad breakup, I'm kind of allowed to be upset about... well, about X, and Y, even if, technically speaking, I have no right to expect not-X and not-Y.

I mean, you can't control anyone else. You can't say "You should have..." and expect it to mean anything, unless the other person chooses to give it meaning. (Or unless the other person has some reason that they can't help but give it meaning. But that's another issue.)

"You should have handled Z differently" is a meaningless complaint in some ways. It's in the past, it can't be undone, there's no point to trying to fix it even if it could be fixed.

But I'm still allowed to be angry that Z was handled the way it was. So what if it's a meaningless complaint? It is by god *my* complaint and I can be upset about it if that makes me happy! The only thing I have to answer for is, do I want to be the person who is angry about this? And the answer is, "yes... for a while. Not like holding a grudge, but accepting that it coulda and shoulda and outta been different.")
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: bkwrrm_tx
2014-05-28 08:23 am (UTC)
Breakups suck, no matter what. I'm convinced that you should be allowed a certain amount of time to be mad about it, whether it makes sense or not, because you're dealing with stuff in your own head and sometimes that's what it takes. But maybe I've just been broken up with too many times. ::shrug::

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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2014-05-29 04:15 am (UTC)
I think you're right - it's one of the stages of grief, and it's pretty darn normal to be angry. It's just not one of those easy things to handle, especially not with people I love.
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2014-05-29 04:18 am (UTC)
Thank you - that's actually a good way of looking at it. I get the whole "you can be angry, but that's not an excuse for bad behavior" but this kind of turns it around. And yeah, being angry is part of being human, even if/when (maybe especially when) it's uncomfortable. So, thank you, again.
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