||[Dec. 14th, 2004|04:28 pm]
Okay, maybe this is my dose of the holiday blues.|
I just realized how late in the season it is, and how appalling my finances are right now, and how much I've been working on my book, or being lazy (or being called in to work, just when I'm settling down to do some serious writing!) and suddenly, I remembered why I'd like to say to everyone "Okay, I'm pagan, Christmas is meaningless to me."
It isn't, and it never will be; it matches the winter solstice for a reason, and damn good one for my own twisted spirituality.
But, you know, this year especially, there are aspects of it that are driving me buggy.
What do I want for Christmas? Truth, justice, world peace, you know, the usual stuff. A professional, well regarded literary agent to read my book workings and say "You and I, we can make this into an easily publishable work. I can't guarantee you'll make a meaningful amount of money, but your ideas will get out there for people to discuss". Or, the same, with "I *can* guarantee we'll make tons of money from this...", and other substitutions as appropriate.
A new job that moves me closer to being a healer. The chance to make a meaningful difference in someone's life, and know that I did, even if no one else - even the person in question - knows.
Every time someone asks me for something I want, I freeze... and I'm not sure why. Maybe part of it is residual guilt over having some 'stuff'-like wishes... you know, actual, physical objects that would be nice to have that cost money. And, maybe part of it is that I'm realizing how little my happiness is tied up physical goods, and I don't want to let someone down by not enjoying their gift as much as I 'should'.
And then I'm hit by two different things. First, the realization that my idea for family gifts probably sucks. I'm probably going to try it anyway; it'll probably be misinterpreted. Who cares?
And, The Wet Spot is doing a collection for the Hoh tribe this year, and the pathetic state of my current cash flow has me stuck, and feeling torn up. I can't really buy nice gifts for anyone *and* make any kind of donation to the collection. I think the very notion of saying "I chose one of *my* charity cases to give *your* present to" to be bothersome. Yes, I have some friends who'd be proud and honored to be helping in this way. But it doesn't seem right to do so much as *think* about making the suggestion.
In truth, I think most of this is just a bit of over-energized brain having too many things to do and not enough time to do them in... but today seemed like a day to complain in my journal about how I feel, so there it is.