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Okay, maybe this is my dose of the holiday blues. I just realized… - John [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Dec. 14th, 2004|04:28 pm]
Okay, maybe this is my dose of the holiday blues.

I just realized how late in the season it is, and how appalling my finances are right now, and how much I've been working on my book, or being lazy (or being called in to work, just when I'm settling down to do some serious writing!) and suddenly, I remembered why I'd like to say to everyone "Okay, I'm pagan, Christmas is meaningless to me."

It isn't, and it never will be; it matches the winter solstice for a reason, and damn good one for my own twisted spirituality.

But, you know, this year especially, there are aspects of it that are driving me buggy.

What do I want for Christmas? Truth, justice, world peace, you know, the usual stuff. A professional, well regarded literary agent to read my book workings and say "You and I, we can make this into an easily publishable work. I can't guarantee you'll make a meaningful amount of money, but your ideas will get out there for people to discuss". Or, the same, with "I *can* guarantee we'll make tons of money from this...", and other substitutions as appropriate.

A new job that moves me closer to being a healer. The chance to make a meaningful difference in someone's life, and know that I did, even if no one else - even the person in question - knows.

Every time someone asks me for something I want, I freeze... and I'm not sure why. Maybe part of it is residual guilt over having some 'stuff'-like wishes... you know, actual, physical objects that would be nice to have that cost money. And, maybe part of it is that I'm realizing how little my happiness is tied up physical goods, and I don't want to let someone down by not enjoying their gift as much as I 'should'.

And then I'm hit by two different things. First, the realization that my idea for family gifts probably sucks. I'm probably going to try it anyway; it'll probably be misinterpreted. Who cares?

And, The Wet Spot is doing a collection for the Hoh tribe this year, and the pathetic state of my current cash flow has me stuck, and feeling torn up. I can't really buy nice gifts for anyone *and* make any kind of donation to the collection. I think the very notion of saying "I chose one of *my* charity cases to give *your* present to" to be bothersome. Yes, I have some friends who'd be proud and honored to be helping in this way. But it doesn't seem right to do so much as *think* about making the suggestion.

In truth, I think most of this is just a bit of over-energized brain having too many things to do and not enough time to do them in... but today seemed like a day to complain in my journal about how I feel, so there it is.

[User Picture]From: pagawne
2004-12-15 12:50 am (UTC)
I know a Holiday gift you can manage for me. Spend at least 20 minutes doing something nice for ***YOURSELF*** for a change. Even it is something as simple as sitting there for 20 minutes thinking of Jez. Hey, that's cool too.
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From: kightp
2004-12-15 01:01 am (UTC)
Want to know something funny, love?

The thing that's been driving me buggy about the holidays is that I haven't been able to think of a single thing that seems "enough" to give you - and I don't mean "expensive enough" or "cool enough" or anything like that. Just ... sufficient.

I think maybe I should have been listening harder to you and not to the jingle bells.
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[User Picture]From: ljgeoff
2004-12-15 02:07 pm (UTC)
Honestly, I can't imagine any adult that I know who wouldn't be honored to know that the money that would have gone to a gift went to a needful charity. Especially if I wrote about the charity situation and how the money would be used. I adore gifts that are from the heart, especially handmade ones. Last year I gave everyone homemade saskatoon-rhubarb jam and chokecherry syrup.

I think that the people who love you, love you for who you are. I think that you should do what's it your heart.
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[User Picture]From: teddywolf
2004-12-15 05:21 pm (UTC)
I have found, in my travels, that it is both well-taught and well-accepted to give to people; I have also found that it is significantly less well-taught and well-accepted on how to accept gifts from people.

At that, it seems to me that there are more and more preconditions on both giving and receiving in US society as I've gotten older, and not as a function of my age. I find it frustrating.
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