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Apologies for a leakover of drama, but... If you want to get pissed… - John [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
John

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[Mar. 30th, 2005|11:26 am]
John
Apologies for a leakover of drama, but...

If you want to get pissed off at me, fine.

If you don't want to talk to me about it, fine.

If you want to bitch about me in public, without talking to me (e-mail address is in the user info, after all), don't refer to me as a "friend".

I don't want to be called a friend if you won't respect me enough, or care about me enough, to talk things out, or let the matter drop.

Yeah, I can be a hard person to deal with sometimes. Sometimes, it's hard to be my friend. I'm really different, and it can be hard to puzzle me out, and I won't be arrogant enough to insist that the rewards are always worth the effort. Sometimes they are; I'm sure that sometimes they're not.

It's no big deal to me if a person doesn't want to extend the effort it takes to be a friend to me. Sure, sometimes it's disappointing, but hell, I'm no charity case. If the effort isn't worth it, I don't want someone extending it... such relationships are bad news on both sides.

Edited: You probably don't know the situation, nor the person involved. It's not a big deal, the person in question is not a jerk, or an asshat, or anyone you want to avoid. S/he's a good decent person who has, and deserves, many wonderful friends. I just had my buttons pushed by the word "friend" and by the anger, without any bidirectional communication going on.

This was more of a generic PSA... yes, I'll get people angry. I know that, and I don't particularly enjoy it, especially not when it's over a misunderstanding. People who want to be my friend have to understand that, when they're angry with me, I want to know, and I want to try to work things out. Or, if we can't work things out, we need to let things drop.
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Comments:
From: ex_serenejo
2005-03-30 08:15 pm (UTC)
Wow, this sounds really hard. *hugs* and if you want to talk about it, I'm here.
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:57 am (UTC)
Thank you for the hugs, and maybe I'll steal an extra hug or two before I say that it really wasn't that hard... do you mind?

I was being more angsty-philosophical, I suppose... trying to put what bothered me about the situation into words.
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:55 am (UTC)
Oh, yeah... you've always impressed me as a good person to know and talk to.

It's weird, when I think about the changes, some of which came from a.c.. (If I had to point to one big lesson, it would be "the best of people can be blind in certain situations. And blind means you *can't* see, not that you *won't* see!" And, of course, realizing that sometimes the "blind, best of people" is me. :-) )
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[User Picture]From: tigerbright
2005-03-30 08:50 pm (UTC)
Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. But it's good advice for anyone, about anyone, really. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:50 am (UTC)
(re: good advice) Chuckle; yeah, it is... I think that's why it's the version I finally was able to post. I didn't want to just complain, but I did want to say *why* this situation felt bad to me.
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[User Picture]From: janetmiles
2005-03-30 08:52 pm (UTC)
Do I have any idea what you're talking about?

I don't think I've been bitching about you, in public or otherwise, so I don't think this is directed at me.

I'm sorry something is hurting you, and I hope it stops.
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:49 am (UTC)
I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, but even if you might, I wouldn't say so, since I'm trying to keep it anonymous. You may, or may not, read the person this happened between.

And, actually, no one hurt me that badly... it was actually... well, hm.

I suppose it was a good thing, all things considered. I recognized a pattern that would have caused more problems down the road. Not a happy thing, but more of a learning experience.
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[User Picture]From: barbarakitten_t
2005-03-30 09:23 pm (UTC)
hey joh...i'm here if you need me...
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:45 am (UTC)
I know, darlin', and I'm here if you ever need me, too.
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[User Picture]From: kightp
2005-03-30 09:24 pm (UTC)
*blink*

WTF???
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-03-30 09:49 pm (UTC)
(Just as a quick blanket response to everyone)

Nothing serious is going on; it's just a little bit of angst, where a person misunderstood something I said.

I'm not upset at that, especially given the type of statement (one of my multiple-reversal statements; in retrospect, it was a bad choice of wording), and I'm not really upset that there was public talk about it.

I *am* upset that there was negative public talk (albeit referring to me anonymously) without being talked to first, when that person also called me "a friend". There were some other buttons pushed in the situation, but that's the gist of it.

There's no real anger or animosity... just a bit of frustration at such a huge disconnect between what friendship means to the both of us.
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[User Picture]From: kightp
2005-03-30 10:23 pm (UTC)
OK, darlin', if you say so.

(I'm slightly amused to find myself fighting an impulse to come out swinging in a situation where I (a) don't know who I'd be swinging at and (b) wouldn't do it, anyway, 'cause it's none of my business. The first person to use the phrase "maternal instinct," however, gets spanked.)
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[User Picture]From: eleccham
2005-03-31 12:44 am (UTC)
1) I'm pretty certain that's not the kind of instinct going on here.

2) You realize that for certain people that would be an incentive?
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[User Picture]From: kightp
2005-03-31 12:54 am (UTC)
You realize that for certain people that would be an incentive?

*ineffective attemt at wide-eyed innocence*
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[User Picture]From: edschweppe
2005-03-30 09:30 pm (UTC)
Dunno wha-hoppened, but I hope the situation resolves well for you.
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:44 am (UTC)
Thanks; near as I can tell, it's over, and no harm, no foul. It's not *happy*, but it's not any great tragedy.
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[User Picture]From: blackthornglade
2005-03-30 09:51 pm (UTC)
erm....*hugs*? :)

Hang in there.
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:44 am (UTC)
Thanks; it was more mild than it might have seemed. A person who never treated me very well got angry and didn't bother to ask what I meant, and I was like "Okay, fine, but don't call me a friend if you're going to cuss me out, even anonymously, without getting my side of the story."

And I realized that, while I cared, it was a lot less than I would have in the past.

And, I realized what what I had to say was kind-of true... I don't want friendship unless we'll either try to work things out, *or* consciously agree to let things drop. If I heard she'd bitched me out to a close friend or two, no problem, sometimes I blow off steam, too. But when she talks about me without talking *to* me, who knows what crazy ideas she has about me?
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[User Picture]From: pagawne
2005-03-30 10:43 pm (UTC)
No clue what you are talking about, but hugs if you need them. Hope your day improves.
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:35 am (UTC)
Hugs are always welcome from you, darlin'... and yes, my day did improve, in fact. (It ended with my doing my ritual blessing for Rivka's baby (still unborn, last I heard), and how can a joyful thing like that not be an improvement?)
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[User Picture]From: ztrooper
2005-03-30 10:46 pm (UTC)
Wow.. wasn't expecting to find you out here in left field with me. This was a real surprise. I do hope it all settles out with whomever it is, in a positive way.

Long distance hugs n stuff, cause, well, I can. 8)
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[User Picture]From: johnpalmer
2005-04-01 04:34 am (UTC)
Thanks; long distance hugs n stuff back at you.

Yeah, I've been going through a lot of changes, and realizing that I'm weird has been a strangely freeing experience. I used to feel afraid of conflicts, at least of a certain type. Now, it's like "Of course there could be conflict! I'm weird! And I'm weird about weird stuff, and not just ordinarily weird about weird stuff! We could come into a stupid conflict for what looks like no reason, but damn it all, we can work it out, *or* agree to let it drop, *or* realize we'll just be more comfortable being friendly acquaintances."

Sometimes, as strange as it seems, being friendly acquaintances can be for the best... but I'm glad we're friends.
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[User Picture]From: shipofools999
2005-04-01 10:45 pm (UTC)
This post something I feel I should point to for people who deal with me. While it isn't written with my voice, it is something that I would write since it is so true for me as well.

Also, an important concept to me is that someone says the same things about me behind my back as they would to my face. If I find out that a someone is annoyed/aggravated/pissy (or some other emotion) about me and I had no idea because it isn't something they would let me know or bring up when we are together, it really grates on my nerves. I don't feel safe around those people. And if one of them is a friend, that is even worse.

I try to do the same in return. I may say something differently to someone's face to be tactful and not hurt them, but the content should be the same.
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